The New Sesquipedalian

who wants a cheap rhinoceros

[Thanks Rob!]

De-Stress

Sarah Palin was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass.

She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to WAL-MART!

Why WAL-MART??

HELLOOOOOOOOO!

WALMART is the largest re-tailer in the world!!!

The University of Chicago Writing Program’s Academic Sentence Generator.

(It’s really no match for ChomskyBot.)

Will Leben has clued us in on a fun way to while away the hours: Cheese or Font?. Apparently people only get it right about 56% of the time….

Daffynitions

Heroes: What a guy in a boat does.

Relief: What trees do in the spring.

Baloney: Where some hem lines fall.

Gossip: Mouth to mouth recitation.

Dogmatic: A device for washing your pets.

Alimony: Bounty on the mutiny

Assault: What everyone likes to be taken with a grain of.

Seahorse: An average equine.

Confusion: A hungry baby in a topless bar.

Feline: The queue at the toll booth.

THE LAWS OF LIFE

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you  had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now
(works every time).

Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy’s Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

Brown’s Law
If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.

Wilson’s Law
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors’ Law
If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor.  By the time you get there you’ll feel better. Don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.

When Insults had Class

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, “If you were my husband I’d give you poison.” He said, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.” “That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”

“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain

“He has no enemies but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend…. if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.” – Winston Churchill, in response.

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx

(reviewing a play in which Katherine Hepburn appeared):
“Her emotions ran the gamut from A to B” – Dorothy Parker

The Onion: Report: 65% Of All Wildlife Now Used As Homosexual Subculture Signifier

PALO ALTO, CA—A study released Tuesday by the Stanford University Department of Linguistics revealed

Arnold Zwicky (who exists) wrote a follow-up on the work of Arvid Sabin (who doesn’t).

Today we have another joke glossed according to the Leipzig Glossing Rules.

A rendőr megáll-ít-Ø egy autós-t:
DET policeman stop-CAUS-3SG a driver-ACC

- Megbüntet-em ön-ök-et, túl sok-an utaz-nak!
punish-3SG.DEF you-PL-ACC, too many-on travel-3PL

- De biztos úr – mond-ja a sofőr -, ez az Audi öt-személy-es,
but certainly sir say-3SG.DEF DET driver this DET Audi five-person-ADJ

és mi is öt-en vagy-unk.
and 1PL also five-on be-1PL

- Ne szórakoz-zon vel-em – válaszol-Ø a rendőr -,
NEG.IMP joke-3SG.IMP with-1SG answer-3SG DET policeman

az van rá-ír-va, hogy Audi Quattro.
that be.3SG on.3SG-write-PTCP COMP Audi Quattro

- Szól-jon inkább a társ-á-nak! – vitatkoz-ik tovább a sofőr.
speak-3SG.IMP rather DET colleague-2SG-DAT argue-3SG further DET driver

- Nem le-het, mert nem ér rá.
NEG be-can, because NEG worth on.3SG

Éppen most érkez-ett egy házas-pár
just.now now arrive-PST.3SG a married-couple

egy Fiat Uno-val.
a Fiat Uno-with

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. Why do “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?
5. Why do “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?
6. Why do “tug” boats push their barges?
7. Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
8. Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?
[Russell's Paradox lurking here...]
9. Why are a “wise man” and a “wise guy” opposites?
10. Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?
11. Why is “phonics” not spelled the way it sounds?
12. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
13. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
14. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
15. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
16. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
17. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
18. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
19. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?

The Stanford Blood Center is reporting a shortage of type O-. For an appointment, visit http://bloodcenter.stanford.edu/ or call 650-723-7831. It only takes an hour of your time and you get free cookies.